Gloom of the Glutton

I dreamt about falling last night.

I was climbing constantly progressing upwards towards closure, towards meaning...towards resolve.

Then suddenly I was tumbling backwards, plummeting to my death ..or maybe returning to the disorganized noise and confusion again.

It’s like your hand released mine. I reach out in alarm and you pull away. Then balance escapes me and I watch as your face fades from above.

I find myself screaming your name on the way down just as I was screaming it on the way up.

I woke up disturbed from a slumber that seemed to have gone on for years.  I rose from the coffin which was my bed and walked alone and lost in the darkness for some time. Even then I felt life returning to my corpse. After much deliberation I stumbled on a curious site, a ghost like myself, tattered and torn from disappointment and born of resentment.  

Yet I noticed that the wretched thing was graceful in the gloom. It glowed frighteningly as I started into his eyes and I knew it had come to take me back beyond demise.  I fell to the ground in fright as it towered above me roaring like a beast, shifting unnaturally.

Then before it all but took me, I realized whose form the demon had taken, my own.  It wasn’t because of you that I was damned; it was my own carelessness that cost me. A boundless courage gripped me as I was consumed by the painful truth.

Then silence….

then nothing…..

No demons but my own….the shadows that I cast….

I found the limitations in life, in death. I will leave this place and return no more…only he knows me, only he will I allow…

Contentment

This feeling of contentment prevails in my mind despite all the seemingly unconquerable demons...maybe in finding this calm I have somewhat silenced the storm. For the first time in a while I've come across two revelations and I plan to stick to them for as long as I can.

The first revelation is simple yet powerful to me, the 23rd Psalm (which I plan to get a tattoo of), the Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want. Only I've substituted the word 'want' for 'need'. It's a deep realisation that despite all the turmoil that's occurring in my life I have always and will always have what I need. Before you jump to any conclusions...I'm not religious but this verse holds a wisdom that I can't help but see how profound it is...at least a small part of how powerful its meaning can be.

It's a level of comfort that keeps me from panicking when the ship seems to be sinking. This scripture verse is the explanation behind why I always land on my feet despite whatever circumstance.

The second revelation is a couple of lines from one of my favourite songs by Madonna, 'The power of Good-Bye'. The lines are, "Freedom comes when you learn to let go. Creation comes when you learn to say no...There's no greater power than the power of goodbye". I naturally close doors in my life; I've been doing it for awhile now. Yet it's just now that I see how important 'saying goodbye' was for me. It's the survival instinct, it keeps me ticking. Now that I know the power of goodbye I am able to let go of aspects of my life that were holding me back and I am able to reduce the level of importance that I placed on some things before.

I can't say that I am completely happy at this stage but like I said from the start I am possessed with a feeling of contentment, I now have a stronger understanding of how I can live without...

Things I wish I could say to Irma Bartley

I sit here hoping to find the words to properly describe what I've been through since you've been gone. What your life meant to me, what your death meant to me...

I wish I could tell you that even though we only knew each other for a little over 3 years, our friendship was a defining event in my life.

Irma I spent most of my school days with you, helping you with assignments, carrying you to classes, even studying for exams with you; I didn't know that all this time you were helping me to become the person that I am today or that your death would have hurt me so much.

On those days where I felt alone and I just needed a friend, I'd always go searching for you.
I had some great moments with you, laughing and talking, preparing for fd11a (Caribbean Civilization) finals (that course gave us hell). I enjoyed navigating your wheel chair across the University campus (It gave me a chance to show off my newly discovered muscles). I was lucky to have had so many opportunities to enjoy your company.

What stuck with me the most about you, was your attitude towards life. You began the University as others do, eager to complete your degree and ready to prove yourself. As time went by you became sick and found yourself confined to a wheel chair. You suffered plenty Irma, but despite everything you were dedicated to completing the degree that you started. Over the years I watched you struggle to do things that people with full use of their limbs found simple and took for granted. I also watched you work hard to overcome your challenges and even out perform us, the ones that really had nothing to complain about.

I could not believe when I first heard the news of your death... I cried  later on that night, like I hadn't for some time. I had an interview the following day and it was difficult trying to conceal all the pain that I felt inside. You were old enough to be my mother, yet age never separated us because I saw you as my peer and as my friend. I didn't realize how much I valued you until I lost you. I was a wreck...

What hurt me the most was that you died without completing the degree. That fact destroyed me inside. I felt guilty because in the months before your death I had lost touch with you. I remember the last time we spoke, it was over the phone....you were so weak that you could hardly talk and it sounded like you were crying. I ended that conversation thinking that you were exaggerating the pain and that you'd be ok...but I was wrong.
I regret that I never sought you out in your final days, I also regret that I chose not to attend your funeral (I thought that I couldn't handle it, the pain of seeing you there lifeless, defeated by your illness..). What good is a friend that when you need him the most he is nowhere to be found?

But even though you're gone as cliche as it may sound, you will always remain with me. On the days where I feel like giving up because of life's obstacles, I will remember how hard you tried. Because I knew you, failure isn't an option. I dare not lose my sense of purpose. You may have died in battle but I will continue fighting because of you. I will finish the war for you.

I was blessed the day I met you, I miss our talks, the time we shared. Even now while writing this I cant help but feel the sadness and heart wrenching grief. Irma, its the 1st time I'm losing someone and as the days go by I'm learning how to cope with death.

Goodbye Irma, I can't find all the words to express how I feel inside.

Questions I wish I could ask a vampire, statements I wish I could tell a friend

Your tricks are older than us, me and you. I feel I’m just another puppet on a string for you.
Cause I’m not the first to have valued you, many have and many will, they all lied down and died for you.

How do I trust a creature of the night when it’s your nature to be the predator and mine is to take flight?

Do you love anything at all, or have you been loved for so long that you are the game’s master?
In the end I love you and hate you and I swear I don’t even know you. Just like everyone else, I am blind sighted by you.

Or do I hate you or am I jealous of you? They all love and worship you; they will even lay down their pride for you. Its clear God blessed you and not me I will have to search for an eternity what you’ve had a million times and thrown away like it was no prize.

Are you my foe or are you my friend? When I think I’m sure and I think I know you well, you shatter my beliefs cause only you can tell.

When I’m with you I can never be sure about what is deception and in what lies the cure. The lines have been blurred I can’t tell anymore.

You’ve been blessed with a mask of deceit. To you it comes natural do you even know what’s real anymore or are you like me just plain unsure?

Do you just lure them in like a spider to his web? I am caught in your web to be your servant, when they are your maidens.

I wish I could break that mask to see the truth inside. I want to see beyond your charm, search for the ugly things, see if there lies a soul behind these painted walls. Tell me the limits to your divinity, tell me about all the inward torture, tell me how the murders claw at your sanity.

But don’t tell me what I want to hear…maybe that’s all I want to hear.

Yet do you care or don’t you, and even then why should you? Every day is another game to you. You lure, use then discard and the cycle continues and we are nothing but your fools.

You tell me you care as you line up the corpse and sharpen your knives and I look at the killer and can’t help but be drawn in to my demise.