One of those days

It’s just one of those days where I just want to lie here in my bed and cry. Today is one of those days where I feel like so much is going wrong in my life, and so little is going right. I would love to be one of the happy people, free of care... but I have bills to pay and I’m broke and there is no joy in that.

I love my mother but we fight sometimes. Every day I watch the worry in her face grow as we face other obstacles, trying to survive as a family. She’s getting older, and I am impatient with her sometimes and I don’t know why. I wish I could ease her pain, give her the happiness that I lack. I pray to God at night that he’ll make things better if only for her sake and as the years go by I beg him to protect her and keep her with me. She’s the only thing that I have in this world…at the same time I pray that God will keep me so that she is not hurt by losing me; I’d rather be the one that has to bear the suffering of losing her. Then as I get older myself, I realize that I cannot abandon her, when she has no one.

My father is gone…he and my mom fought for all the years that they were together and I am glad they parted cause I always feared that the worst would happen if they remained…I remember nights as a child crying as I parted them. I begged daddy to put back the knife….I begged Mom to stop shouting those hurtful words. ..

Well it’s over between them, and I couldn’t be more mentally conflicted. I mean I am happy, but I can’t lie and say that I don’t miss him and I know she misses him. My father has become a stranger in this short period of time, we were once so close. I will always love him and I will always love her no matter the mental scars that they have inflicted on me.

Today I wanted to call him, I have been ignoring this desire for close to a month now because I felt that he should be the one to make the effort to communicate with me…but then something happened that broke my spirit. I started searching for his cell number in my phonebook (he had changed it recently) only to discover that I couldn’t find it. I had lost the contact of my own father.  I wanted so much to cry, I felt so embarrassed. I started to wonder, when did this happen to me?  When did my life become so dysfunctional? I mean it was always dysfunctional, with years of watching my parents get into verbal and physical altercations almost daily, living in poverty in my younger days, loneliness…but when did I reach the point where I lost touch with my father?

Was he trying to forget me? Trying to move on and leave me and her behind? I don’t know why he hasn’t called and I don’t know how I could have fucked up this badly, been so careless. I just know that I feel sick in my stomach and I can’t ignore the sadness that’s growing inside. I love him…. I love her, if no one else, if nothing else.

Then I’m jobless and each day I see a new bill, something I can’t afford, another burden for my mother. I want to fix things; I want her to be happy. When did my life become this? I am broken but still acting whole. I could never express my inner pain to a soul... It’s too much, even in the words I have said, that I refuse to say here. Still, I look for positivity. I tell myself that it will get better once I make the effort. One day these tears will be a distant memory, when I am overwhelmed with happiness. I am hopeful… ‘till that day I must carry-on..